So many times as parents we feel helpless when our loved ones stray from the faith or get caught up in illegal activities or destructive behaviors. As parents what do we do in times like these? How far do we let them go before we intervene? As we struggle within ourselves to do the right thing there is a fleeting thought in the midst of our agonizing prayers...God is a father too.
Yes, it seems surprising that he would understand the plight of a single parent or a distraught dad but he does understand us. We forget that as our Father has also agonized over us, and patiently waited for us to return to Him with our whole hearts.
Then on the other hand...
Maybe the problem in your life isn't your children but a wayward spouse who refuses to live for God. They are selfishly living for themselves, and you are tired of sleepless nights worrying about them. You try to keep everyone from knowing what is happening behind closed doors. You pretend nothing is wrong out of shame. In reality, your marriage is in shambles. You feel the need to protect these hurtful behaviors out of loyalty. You protect the very person who hurts you day, in and day out. What should you do?
Whoever, it is in your life that has chosen a path of shameless or reckless behavior there is hope. Jesus gives us guidelines about what we should do in times like these in the story of the Prodigal. It is the story about a father and his prodigal son. In Luke 15:11-31 Jesus gives us key principles that unlock the secret of dealing with the our loved ones which I will call the Prodigal Principles.
DISCLAIMER
The following principles can not be applied to minor children in the same way they are applied to adults. Minors are still subject to the authority of their parents. Please use discernment, and prayer before you apply any of these tough love principles. This is aimed towards adult relationships. If you find yourself co-depending other people's behavior then this is for you.
THE PRODIGAL PRINCIPLES - BREAKING CO-DEPENDENCY
1. Let people go their way don't stop them from making foolish mistakes.
"And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the portion of goods that falls to me.’ So he divided to them his livelihood. 13 And not many days after, the younger son gathered all together, journeyed to a far country, and there wasted his possessions with prodigal living. "
The hardest thing a person will ever have to do is to relinquish control in the relationship and trust God with something you have no control over. That's right you have no control. Worrying, nagging, begging, anger, and self-pity will never give you control because as human beings we all have our own will. The human will must be surrendered not taken. Let go and let God.
2. Let them suffer the consequences of their own decisions and behavior.
14 But when he had spent all, there arose a severe famine in that land, and he began to be in want. 15 Then he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country, and he sent him into his fields to feed swine. 16 And he would gladly have filled his stomach with the pods that the swine ate, and no one gave him anything.
Suffering is a great teacher. Your advice will never be better than a life experience. Unfortunately, there are those who learn from other's mistakes and people who must learn from their own. Either way never enable those who run from God. They must experience the famine in their life to realize that God is a better option.
3. Let them come to their own conclusions
17 “But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger!
Sometimes the only way people will come to right thinking is by learning lessons that only life can teach them. We learn to problem solve through solving our own problems! Problems can be gifts to our lives if we have the right perspective. Never look at someone as if they can never come out of the pit because you never know what prayer, and God's divine influence will do. Sometimes it takes a while for people to be brave enough to admit they are wrong. Don't gloat when they do. Remember these kinds of things take time so don't give up just keep on praying.
4. Allow repentance to do its perfect work
18 I will arise and go to my father and will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you, 19 and I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants.”’
Never short-circuit repentance. Allow the perfect work of repentance to work in someone's heart by not giving in to the temptation to rescue them from the mess they've made. True repentance realizes how it has hurt others, and themselves through making foolish decisions. Allow the prodigal to come to you, and make things right out of a repentant heart that is willing to work towards regaining trust through a consistent, proven relationship. If you take someone back before they are truly repentant; you will have start all over again. Sometimes people will fake a change just so they won't have to suffer anymore but not because they are truly tired of their behavior. Once again if you allow someone to return before they are repentant then that person will probably become worse than before.
5. Leave the door open for reconciliation
20 “And he arose and came to his father. But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. 21 And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.’
Sometimes rather than to deal with a prodigal we would rather cut them off because of the pain they caused us. However, if you want to have God's heart you will leave the light on for their return. It isn't easy being a minister of reconciliation, and forgiving those who have repeatedly hurt us but is clear that if we are to walk in the nature of God we must forgive and love those who have mistreated us. Praying for those who have hurt us is the best way to start this healing process.
If you are struggling with bitterness and unforgiveness click here
6. We must love the prodigal unconditionally and celebrate their return!
20 “And he arose and came to his father. But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. 21 And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.’
To love someone unconditionally means that you love them no matter what they have done. Perhaps you feel you can never love anyone like Jesus did. Remember the Holy Spirit gives us the ability to love like Christ did. This doesn't mean they don't have to earn your trust. It only means you celebrate the miracle of someone returning to Christ.
7. Refuse to become resentful or bitter once the prodigal has been forgiven25 “Now his older son was in the field. And as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. 27 And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and because he has received him safe and sound, your father has killed the fatted calf.’ 28 “But he was angry and would not go in. Therefore his father came out and pleaded with him. 29 So he answered and said to his father, ‘Lo, these many years I have been serving you; I never transgressed your commandment at any time; and yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might make merry with my friends. 30 But as soon as this son of yours came, who has devoured your livelihood with harlots, you killed the fatted calf for him.’
After the celebration wears off many people become bitter that the prodigal seems to enjoy the same rights, and privileges with those who lived obediently. They forget that the prodigal had to eat out of pig trough while you continued to enjoy the presence of the Father. Don't get bitter and start to attack them for what they did in the past. It is forgiven. Many people are so used to dysfunctional relationships that when the prodigal changes they don't know what to do. It changes the whole dynamic of the relationship. If you find yourself resenting the prodigal and engaging in passive-aggressive behaviors then realize you will need have God do a work in your own heart.
8. Focus on your own relationship with God “And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that I have is yours. 32 It was right that we should make merry and be glad, for your brother was dead and is alive again, and was lost and is found.’”
Now that we have lost our job of always being rescuers we kind of wonder what we should do next. Sometimes we can get so caught up in a co-dependent relationship that we lose sight of who we are. We need to be careful to never be so caught up that we lose focus of our own relationship with God. We need to remember He is always with us, and we never have to feel threatened or afraid when someone changes. It just means our focus needs to shift from them to Him.
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Jaziz Gutierrez
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