When To Leave An Abusive Relationship:

One of the most difficult decisions to make in married life is to know when to leave an abusive relationship. Especially if you are a Christian. There are feelings of guilt and shame. You almost feel like you have to protect your abuser from the error of their ways. In many cases, people stay hoping their prayers will change the other person but unfortunately in the meantime, they are suffering an incredible amount of mental anguish, emotional heartache, and physical pain. My friend you are not alone in this and even people in the ministry struggle with this issue.
Case and point Prophetess Juanita Bynum was beaten down in a parking lot shortly after she got married by her husband. No matter what is happening in your life you can have victory through Jesus.

Here is my no-nonsense guideline to leaving an abusive relationship:

If you are wondering when the right time to leave an abusive relationship then I will give you a time frame...right away. If you are being beaten, threatened, verbally lashed, kept under lock, and key then it is time to go. If your significant other is coming home drunk, on drugs, scaring you, and the children. Leave. Your responsibility is to protect your children FIRST! Grown-ups can take care of themselves. Children are completely dependent on us for help. Do you really want your daughter to be treated the way you are? Do you want your son or daughter to become like him or her? In the case of sexual abuse that just needs to be reported to the police. Right away. I don't care who the abuser is or how you feel about the abuser or even if you think you are going to blow someone's reputation. You have a responsibility first to the children then secondly to yourself. God did not create anyone to be abused. He loves you too much. Never think this is your fault. No matter how much the abuser shifts blame on you. It is their way to stay in control. You are stronger, wiser, and more cunning than you think. 

Believe it or not the most common excuse for not leaving an abuser is... I don't think anybody will ever love me again. Wait. That is ridiculous. You are not being loved now. Think about it. Abuse is hate. I know there is always the honeymoon period after he or she beats you. They feel bad, give you flowers, tell you that they will never do it again, and the next day or week; here we are again. Get off the hamster wheel. Until they acknowledge they have a problem and get help for themselves; you are only kidding yourself. They need to provide proof that they are truly repentant. Repentance is taking responsibility and making changes. People who don't repent, repeat. God requires fruit of repentance and so should we.  The fruit or proof of repentance would be accountability, transparency, acknowledgment of the pain they caused others and taking responsibility for their choices. Someone who blames others for what they do isn't ready to change yet. If you hear things like, "You just make me so mad. If you were a guy I would hit you. If you would only listen to me. You need to submit and obey me. None of this would have happened if you only did what I asked." These statements are all rooted in control. None of these statements take responsibility for the lack of control over their emotions. Control and entitlement are the root causes of abuse. People who feel out of control will control others around them. It amazes me how many supposed men of God play the submission card in the scripture but will not apply the love card to their actions. The bible is clear, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it." Ephesians 5:25 Just take some time to think about how Christ would show his love for you on that cross. That's the way your spouse is supposed to love you.  

Don't be afraid of being alone. You are already living in a nightmare. You need to realize you are alone already, isolated in your pain, and crying out for answers. I know I was there. You can't be afraid of the unknown. Without knowing it, you are living in the unknown now because honestly, you don't know what they will do next. Isn't it better to face the unknown than to wonder when you will be abused next? I know it's hard because you don't know how you will support yourself and your children. Many domestic violence shelters help you get a job while providing shelter and food for you temporarily. They also help you with legal paperwork while protecting you. Domestic violence shelters are great hiding places so if you don't want to be found this is a good option. You will be cut off from the outside world but you will be safe. Sometimes you might have to tell your parents to help you out and let them know the truth. People are more understanding than we give them credit for.

It is important to find someone to confide in. Slip them a note. Call them if your caller ID isn't being checked. If you need to call 911 then do it. Call in the cavalry. Whatever you need to do to secure your safety. Don't go to someone who is going to tell you to keep putting up with this nonsense because they don't advocate divorce. Ok, I have a response to that. Separation isn't a divorce. Separate yourself from the abuser. It gives the other person the time to repent! Don't pardon people who aren't willing to go through the process of dying to self because they will do it again, and again. You kid yourself if you think sorry is enough for someone to change. When people truly change you will know it because their actions, not their words will back up what they say. It will be evident over time. The biggest mistake we make is that we run back as soon as we see a glimmer of hope. Don't do that. Make the other person prove themselves over time.

Ok, a great example of this:  I had a friend who literally was in the final stages of divorce when her ex-husband decided to woo her back at the courthouse and tell her how he changed. He went to church with her a few times and she let him move back in again. Big mistake. I was suspicious that the only reason he was trying to reconcile was that the other woman he cheated with was kicking him out of her house. Boy, he even had me fooled. He was a sweet talker. As soon as he moved back in the house he went back to being his old self again but seven times worse. He mentally tormented her so much that she ended up on suicide watch. She lost her home and almost her mind. He got what he wanted and that was the house. It is better to lose your house than your mind. Finally, she moved to another state to be rid of him.

It's important to make a plan of escape. Leave the state if you have to. Don't go anywhere they will find you, and make sure that person is arrested for beating you. You are seriously doing them a favor. This is not revenge. It is your responsibility to protect society. Do you know how many abusers commit murder/suicides then go on a killing rampage...well let's just say a lot! Please don't be in denial of the potential danger you are in. Depending on the amount of surveillance you are under it may take a few days or weeks to plan an escape. You are the only one who knows the danger level you are up against so it will be up to you to decide what is best for you. I know a lady in Mexico whose husband drank, beat her, and the children until they bled. He would hang the kids on meat hooks, upside down, naked, and beat them. She couldn't go to anyone because he was friends with all the local police, city officials, and he had money. Then one day she took all of her kids with just the clothes on their backs and escaped into the woods. She just kept on moving until she safely got to the US. You can do this.

Maybe you are not in a seriously abusive situation so my advice for you is...stop covering up for the other person and rescuing them from their foolish behavior. Let them get busted, imprisoned, evicted, exposed and whatever else needs to happen to cause them to realize that they need help. The biggest hang-up of a co-dependent person is their inability to let the other person suffer the consequences of their actions. Stop it. I'm speaking from experience. To cover up for other people's irresponsible or immoral behavior is a loyalty you shouldn't keep. Some people have loyalties to clergy when they know they are in moral failure. Please show me a scripture somewhere where it tells us to cover up for sin. We become partakers of people's sin when we do that. That will be another blog. Remember God wants us to be around safe people. Until that person is safe to be around you have no obligation to be around them. If they change for some reason we do need to forgive them so we can move on. They have to earn our trust by consistent change. In the best possible scenario reconciliation of the family is always God's plan but....let others who are outside of the situation help you decide whether the person has proved themselves to have really changed. We don't want to fall for temporary jailhouse repentance.

Let's recap: If you are a dangerously abusive situation please leave right away with careful planning.
Abuse, is not love. Love is patient, love is kind, it is not boastful, rude and does not demand its own way... 1 Corinthians 13: Children need to be protected at all costs we owe them this as parents. Woe to them who stumble these little ones it would be better if a millstone hung around their neck.
Find someone that can help you. Don't go back until that person is changed or if they are dangerous don't go back at all. Don't cover up for sin. It is not your job to fix people. Teach others how to treat you. Lastly, you are loved. You owe to yourself to be loved in the way God loves you. Unconditionally! You don't have to be alone, afraid or live like this anymore. There is hope and a future for you, God's plans are for good not for disaster.

Let me pray...Father, I pray for whoever is reading this that you will protect them and anyone else who is being harmed. I pray you make a way of escape. Give them the wisdom to make the right decisions. Let them feel your peace now. We command the spirit of resentment, anger, control, violence, and abuse to release the abuser now in Jesus name. We pray for true repentance. Father, I pray that whoever is reading this will be able to overcome their conflicting feelings. I pray that they will make the best possible decision in the situation. I also pray for divine leading and safety. I ask you for this in Jesus name.

If I left anything out please leave a comment or if you have any questions please contact our ministry. All situations are different so please proceed with caution, help, and prayer.